I wish I could just stay with the baggage.

Singleness comes with many blessings and many hardships.  Of late my struggle has been the almost viscerally overwhelming task of remaining behind with the baggage while also riding out to battle.  I have to keep and maintain a home, a healthy food routine, and sustainable sleep habits while also charging out to work at all hours of the day and night.  Two of those things regularly do not happen (good food and sleep).  The home often falls by the wayside as well, although I tend to go through periods of crazy organization and cleanliness every few days or weeks.

My life is literally a mess a sometimes.

As I study womanhood with two ladies from my church, I have recognized that these tasks are impossible for one person to accomplish continuously.  Did I know that before?  Yes, experience taught me that quickly.  A full-time job plus a full-time home consumes and exhausts.  That doesn’t even put into play the rest of life – relationships and family, church, ministry, hobbies, etc.

The single life is impossible.  Why do I point this out now, six years into the crazy lifestyle myself?  Well, I’m starting to realize it’s supposed to be impossible.  God did not create us to do well on our own.  I think He intended for us to struggle mightily when left on our own both spiritually and physically.

That doesn’t sound encouraging.  What are we supposed to do if we never marry?  Or if we are single for many years?  I know for a fact that I will not be able to maintain my current work/life balance for much longer.  The sometimes long and unpredictable hours are inconvenient at best, soul-crushing at worst.  I have spent much time driving to work another middle-of-the-night emergency room situation in tears as I wrestle with the Lord and my attitude yet again.

I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I have to provide for myself since I do not have a husband, but I also must maintain a home and run a house.  What, then, am I to do?  Until some godly man comes along, I’m stuck in a never-ending cycle of too much work for a single creature to handle.

Well, practically speaking, I have realized that “staying with the baggage” or maintaining a home and building up the church is more important than being constantly available for work and charging continuously for the “battlefield”.  Though I believe God created me with a unique and somewhat obscure skill set, I wasn’t created for the secular job that skill opened up for me.  I was created originally by God for Himself, and then was also made a new creation for Christ and His church.

I am not a man that I should find such strength and fulfillment from working with my hands.  Though I enjoy my work, the job is difficult to the point that I know I can’t do this for the rest of my life.  I stepped down to fewer hours several months ago, and now again I have attempted to step back from so many overnight and weekend responsibilities.  Frankly, my body is tired and will never be the same.

But I still have to provide for myself, there’s no question about that.  Regardless of how much I prefer to be a worker in the home, I have to make enough money to at least pay the bills.  So the question has become, what is my priority in the midst of all these tasks?  What is of utmost importance?  What is my life to revolve around?

I still don’t have a husband which is all well and good.  It makes the priorities list much easier for me compared to almost all my friends who are dating or who are married and have young children.  My focus is on Christ and the church.  I have no higher calling, desire, or work in this world.  But there’s the extra difficulty of doing a two-person job.  I still will likely fail at times with the constant back and forth of being both bread-winner and bread-maker.  I’ve taken the obvious practical steps of working as much as I need financially and no more, but now what?  What do I do with the loneliness, the exhaustion, the emotion, and the unending to-do list at home?

Ah ha, now we come to it.  My greatest priority is also my greatest encouragement, comfort, and help: Christ and His church.

We were not made to attempt all these things alone!  First of all, I have a Savior and Shepherd in Christ who will not leave me to face any difficulty alone.  Though He is not now physically present with me in my day to day trials, His body the church is.  The answer to the question of “what now?” should humble you if you haven’t already approached in meekness.  We need people.  There is no shame or weakness in that, because we can’t escape it.  We need people because we were created that way.  To claim independence is an affront to our humanity and blasphemy against the our Creator.

So again, practically speaking, I’ve run to Christ for strength and the church for help.  I need people, whether in fulfilling my marching orders or in caring for things happening behind the front lines.

I do my job to the best of my ability, for the Lord and not for man, but I lean on the Lord through prayer and His word for strength to finish my tasks.  At home as I cultivate a house and a life open to all who may enter I do the same with the added benefit of having a church body to come alongside me and hold up my arms.  Whether some mowing, a meal, movie nights, or a moment of Christian conversation, it is in my best interest to reach out and sacrifice the independent mindset that will push the already impossible task into the realm of dangerously destructive.

One day I may get to stay home with the baggage permanently, but for now I trust my Good Shepherd to lead me to battle and bring me safely home to eat, rest, and fellowship.